Big fat failure!
Big fat failure! That’s what I am! I hate to say it, but it’s true.
Last month I decided to go back to university and study for a Masters Degree in Multimedia Journalism.
Before starting on the course I had so many worries. I deliberated for ages over whether to start or not:
- I had never done journalism before and had been out of education for years; would I be smart enough?
- Would I be a lot older than everyone else on the course and would I fit in?
- I worried that the workload would be too much to take on as well as the blog, trying to earn a living and being a mummy to a very demanding toddler.
- I would be spending less time with Molly; was I emotionally ready for that?
I decided to brush my doubts aside and jump in. I lost a baby earlier this year and have been heartbroken ever since. I’ve been feeling like a shell of my former self so I wanted to do something to try to find a bit of me again.
I arranged for my sister to look after Molly on the days I was in uni so I knew Molly was happy and being well looked after.
I started the course, all was well, and I actually liked it. All the classes seemed really exciting and everyone was lovely. I am a massive stationary fan so I excitedly ran out and stocked up on paper, pens, and a fancy academic diary. Turns out, I was ten years older than most of the class but it wasn’t an issue. I wasn’t made to feel like I didn’t belong or anything like that. People talked to me and invited me to have lunch with them. I did wonder if it was out of pity but I didn’t care; at least I wasn’t a loner at lunchtimes! ha-ha.
I was eager. But even so, the doubts were creeping in.
As I sat in a student bar listening to my classmates talk about how exciting their lives are, the band they are in, the radio show they present, the magazine they write for, the club nights they had been too, the festivals they were planning on attending etc I was reminded that I am not any of these things. I am older and a mother, a responsibility none of them had. Their lives sounded amazing but listening to their tales reminded me that I was missing Molly.
I was missing Molly way more than I was comfortable with. Don’t get me wrong, having some ‘me’ time was brilliant, but my heart physically ached when we weren’t together. I was very aware of the amount of time we were no longer spending together. This is her last year at home before she starts school next year and I was jeopardising our time together.
The workload was really demanding and I was finding it difficult to find the time to do the homework – this was even before we were given any marked assignments to do.
I originally wanted to do the course in an attempt to forge some sort of life for myself after losing my angel baby earlier this year. However, what I discovered shocked me.
I realised that I am way more scarred from the loss than I thought I was. My heart is still breaking on a daily basis. Mentally, I am not strong enough to take on something so major at the moment.
How I have got through the last few months I don’t know, but the added pressure of uni made me feel very weak. It made me feel like a big fat failure!
I snotty cried on Chris’ shoulder about how much I thought I was mentally struggling. I cried on the phone to my mum and sister too. Telling them I was struggling didn’t come as a surprise to them.
All three of them said they knew I was struggling, that I need to do what is best for me, that they would support me in whatever my decision was, and that I wasn’t a big fat failure!
I emailed my tutor straight away and arranged a meeting with him for the next day. He was completely understanding and very supportive of my decision. He gave me the paperwork I needed to fill in and sent me on my way, with the assurance that my place on the course was secured for September 2018.
I left the university, got on the bus and went straight to my sisters to get Molly. Molly shouted “mummy” and ran over to me to give me a big kiss and cuddle as soon as I walked in. I almost burst out crying. I knew at that moment that I had made the right decision. My place, for now, is at home with Molly, where we can spend as much time together as possible, while I grieve without any added pressure.
As much as I enjoyed the course, suspending my place until next year made me feel like a massive weight had been lifted off me. I’ll reassess next year if I am going to go back but I am sure I will be in a much better place by then.
I may or may not be a big fat failure, but you know what, I don’t care. I am happy with my decision. It was definitely the best decision for me.
Thanks for reading,
PS – If anyone from the course happens to stumble upon this post I just want to say that it was lovely meeting you, and thank you for making me feel welcome 🙂
You can also find me blogging at Serenely Sam