Stuck in the Depths of the Wilderness

Wilderness picture from pexels.com

When I sat down to write this post I didn’t know where I was going with it. Did I even want to write anything? I haven’t really been anywhere or done anything worth writing about, mostly because I haven’t felt like doing anything. Everything in my life has been overshadowed by my recent ectopic pregnancy and it has left me in a really deep slump. I feel completely empty and like I am stuck in the depths of the wilderness. I don’t know which way to turn or how to get out. If only there were signposts in the wilderness to show me which way to turn.

I told Chris I was thinking about quitting the whole blogosphere. He encouraged me to continue, as I knew he would. He knows I love blogging and that I shouldn’t quit just because I am in a difficult place right now.

Am I depressed? Probably! It would be understandable. My mum keeps telling me to get to the doctors so she must think I am. Mothers are usually right aren’t they? Annoyingly!  I have been depressed before so I know what it feels like.

On the 1st July 2013 my gynaecologist told me, very bluntly, that I would never conceive. It broke me. I was off work for months. There was a glimmer of light to pull me out of my slump last time though. By some miracle, Molly was conceived, and before I knew it I was back to my old self. Molly was born one year and eleven days after being told I would never conceive. Doctors aren’t always right.

There is no glimmer of light for me this time though. I feel like I am stuck in the depths of the wilderness, because my glimmer of light went into the light. Without me. We never met. I never even saw the “baby” on a scan.

Shall I go to the doctors and tell him I am depressed? I don’t want to. Why should I, just so he can prescribe me a course of antidepressants? That isn’t for me. Last time I was depressed I had the tablets. I even went for cognitive behaviour therapy. I didn’t want to go for the CBT but pressure from my employer to do so, made it so I didn’t have a choice. The CBT didn’t help. How could it? Having CBT couldn’t change my fertility problems. If it could it would be a miracle, and nobody would have to endure the agony of fertility problems.

Would medication and therapy work for me now? I am not sure. Honestly, I don’t think it is necessary for me to be thinking about things like this. Not right now anyway. I find blogging to be cathartic so that is all the therapy I feel I need right now.

Yes, I am in a rut. Surely I am allowed to be in a rut for a while because I have just lost my baby. Grieving takes time. I need to let myself heal as slowly as it takes and not put any pressure on myself to ‘move on’ before I am ready.

With this in mind have set myself some challenges to help with my healing. I will not be putting any pressure on myself to start these challenges until I am ready to do so. The only thing I want to do at the minute is as little as possible, so that is what I will do. When I feel up to it I will start on my challenges. These are:

Take Yoga Classes

Yoga is a mind and body exercise so it will help me heal both physically and mentally

Read

My amazing cousin recommended some books for me to read to help with my healing so I am looking forward to starting these

Holistic Therapies

I am going to look into holistic therapies such as reiki and acupuncture. I have had reiki a few times before (thanks once again to my amazing cousin) and it really helps me feel relaxed and positive. While I have never had acupuncture before, I have always wanted to try it so I am looking forward to giving it a go

Take a Holiday

We are long overdue a family holiday and it is more than deserved at the minute, Hopefully we can get something booked in as soon as possible

Craft, Craft and more Craft

There are so many different crafts I want to try so I am going to actually sit down and spend some time alone, getting my craft on

Treat Molly to Anything and Everything She Wants

Molly has been absolutely fantastic throughout this whole ordeal. She is obviously too young to understand what is going on, but she knows mummy and daddy have been sad lately, and have been at the hospital a lot. She has had to spend a lot of time with relatives while we have been back and forward to the hospital and she has been as good as gold for them. I feel really bad about the amount of time we have been away from her. We will have to ensure we spend as much time together as a family as we can from now on.

 

So there it is. They say honesty is the best policy and if writing honestly helps me heal then that is what I shall do. I may feel stuck in the depths of the wilderness right now, but it won’t be forever. Eventually I will move on, as life goes on.

Thank you for reading,

Sam x

JakiJellz
Bringing up Georgia
Tammymum

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16 Comments

    1. I really need to focus on crafting more I think, as it does help me to relax. Thank you for your comment x

  1. Sorry that you are going through such a hard time, some really great, proactive ideas to move forward here, I hope things improve soon. Thank you for sharing. #fortheloveofBLOG

  2. Personally, I’d say give yourself more time before thinking of drugs! You’ve been through something huge, let yourself feel however you need and don’t put a label on it for now. Big hugs! #familyfun

  3. So sorry for what you are going through. You are doing the right thing though and allowing yourself to grieve and take things at your own pace. It took us 9 long years and lots of heartbreak to get our 2 children and each time something went wrong I put too much pressure on myself to move on straight away and push all those feelings deep down, now they spill up and out every time I am having an off day. I wish I had spent more time healing myself back then. There is always hope though. We had all but given up both times when we finally conceived our two. Blogging is definitely great therapy. If you ever need someone to vent to about your feelings just drop me an email, it can be very isolating when you have no one to talk to who has been there and experienced the same things. Sending virtual hugs 🤗
    #FamilyFunLinky

  4. one of the first steps to recovery is talking about it, which is what your blog is allowing you to do without interruption, it’s also good to have things to look forward to and i’m sure you’ll manage to spoil Molly
    #TriumphantTales

    1. Blogging really is a huge help at getting things off my chest. I worry that I will talk too much about it all though and end up boring everyone! It is my blog though so I suppose I can talk about whatever I want to talk about can’t I? ha. x

  5. If you love blogging, dont stop. Maybe post less to allow yourself time to think, or post more to forget? Whatever works for your do it. I had a really bad bout of PND recently where I felt I’d gone back months and really wanted to run away from everything. I opened my laptop and typed whilst weeping. I wrote about how scared I was that I would be the cause of my soulmate leaving me, that my depression was too much for him to handle and after my whole life wanting that fairytale ending by having a child (after also being told fertility was an issue) would be the thing that i regretted the most. I didnt realise I felt these things but by typing freely it came out and let me deal with what I’d been burying so deep.
    If you ever need to talk, PLEASE dont think twice about coming to me. Sometimes talking to someone behind a screen makes it easier to open up. *big hugs*
    Thank you for joining us at #TriumphantTales. I hope to see you back next week.

  6. It’s such a sad thing to go through and I’m so sorry that you’re finding it tough. Creating a list of positive things is a really good idea to focus on. I find that taking a blogging break – even just for a week or so can also help to reconfirm that you love it. Sometimes it helps to give breathing space and to refocus. Thank you so much for linking up with #forhteloveofBLOG xx

    1. Thank you. I did take a brief blogging break during the worst of it. On the one hand I feel ready to be back blogging, but on the other hand I just want to hibernate for a while longer! x

  7. You are absolutely right, you are allowed to be depressed, sad, mad whatever you need to be. Grieving a absolutely takes time and you should allow yourself that time. That said doing things that make you happy is such a brilliant idea. Focusing on the positive and happy things is a great step to healing. Lots of love to you at this time lovey. Do what makes you happy. Thanks for joining us at #familyfun x

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