This isn’t going to be a new year new me BS post, but, at the risk of it sounding corny or contradictory, it is going to be one about me trying to become a better version of myself. Sort of… So bring on 2017!
2016 was shit! Simple as that. One of the worst years on record for me.
I had a few issues to contend with in 2016, mainly my worsening Polycystic Ovaries and Endometriosis. These are problems I have touched on before but never gone in to detail about. That’s a story for another day.
I knew the symptoms of my conditions were worsening. The doctors must have known too because they sent me for my third Laparoscopy to remove the Endometriosis. Even though I knew things were getting worse, I was knocked off my feet to find out the Endometriosis had blocked both of my fallopian tubes.
I was completely devastated!
I am blessed with one child already and I have previously thought about having a hysterectomy, but I was still devastated to hear the results. How could my own body do this to me? The doctor thinks he managed to open one tube and that I ‘could try’ for another baby. His words said one thing, his face and demeanour said another.
It might sound stupid but it felt like I was grieving the child I want but may never have. I really took it hard. I still am.
But, I have been told worse by doctors previously and proven them wrong.
I can officially say the absolute worst day of my life was July 1st 2013 when I was told, very bluntly by my gynaecologist, that I would never have children and that I should have a procedure to ‘end my suffering’.
My world shattered. I was off work for months. I really couldn’t handle the pain and I fell into a ditch and couldn’t get out. There was no hope. When I thought I couldn’t get any lower, the bottom of the ditch fell through and I fell even further.
But from somewhere, God knows where, there was a glint of light. It was my own personal Angel. My daughter Molly! I clawed my way towards the light and pulled myself out of the ditch.
Exactly 1 year and 11 days after my world shattering news, my miracle Molly was born.
I wanted to march into the gynaecologist’s office and show off my baby. I somehow managed to restrain myself. Mostly because I had a C-section and could barely move! But in my head, I stormed in and shouted profanities at the nasty doctor whilst advising the other patients to not listen to a word of the doctors lies, and that they should believe their heart. I was hormonal so I bet I could have gotten away with it…
Anyway I’ve digressed, but my point is that I’ve been up shit creek before and still managed to conquer the impossible.
That means absolutely anything is possible. We just have to believe it.
If I want another baby I will have one. But maybe I will decide instead to have a hysterectomy; it has been a long battle and I am physically and mentally exhausted, and I am already blessed with one child. The doctor won’t make that decision for me. I will. I’ll discuss with Chris how each decision will affect our lives, but ultimately I have to do what is best for me. That might sound selfish but we all need to focus on ourselves and do what is best for us every once in a while. And anyways, how can I be the best mother and partner if I’m not doing what is best for me?
This is all the past. I don’t really have any resolutions for 2017. What’s the point? They are broken within a few days anyway. What I do have though, is a promise to myself to be the best person I can be, the best mummy to Molly, and the best partner to Chris.
I obviously have some personal goals such as losing weight and improving my fitness, but these goals are about a change of lifestyle and not a fast fix. I won’t be putting pressure on myself to reach a certain weight by a certain time, or surviving on a diet of lettuce and kale. I’ll make a promise to myself to do my best to reach my goals at a steady and manageable pace.
I want to put as much time and effort into my blog as I possibly can, with the promise to myself that this won’t be at the expense of time spent with my family. There is always time to write about special moments, but if I miss the special moments because I’m writing, then as well as feeling shitty, I won’t actually have anything to write about…
I also want to make sure I do some things for myself this year, like learning new crafts or signing up for a part time course. Being a mother is the most blessed role I could ever have, but it doesn’t mean I can’t have some sort of life outside of that, even if I do feel guilty about it.
So I suppose this is where the better version of me comes into play. 2016 sucked big time. I won’t allow the same from 2017. I am going to grab it by the balls and get exactly what I want out of it. The power of positive thinking goes a hell of a long way.
Most importantly, I won’t feel shitty if things don’t go to plan. Every new day is a blank slate, waiting to be written exactly as I dictate.
So happy new year to everyone, let’s kick this years arse together. We all deserve happiness.
Bring on 2017!